So I go in and stake my claim on a spot in the BACK of the room, on the opposite side from the all-too-revealing wall of mirrors and head to the bathroom before we start. Because you ladies know, after babies and a hysterectomy, lots of stretching and movement can often bring forth....problems. When I come back someone has placed their mat BEHIND mine, much to my dismay. My genius plan of being behind everyone else has failed, and not because of another unfortunate soul like myself. No, no. The lithe body on the mat is already practicing her Sun Salutation before class starts. Brown-noser. I sit calmly, like some of the other participants, whom I am beginning to notice all could fit in my pant leg and still have room to breathe. Pretzel Lady behind me is now standing on her head. I am quickly calculating how long it would take for me to roll up my mat and escape when the teacher enters. Drat. Too late. As Teach moves about the room and readies herself, I find an opening with Pretzel when she release her legs from behind her head, and jokingly (I hope) say, "Hey, are you sure you don't want to get in front of me so I don't feel like such an idiot?" No, she claims that she is just "observing" the class today. Even better. Now not only can I imagine she's watching me, now I KNOW she can and will be noticing my resemblance to a whale attempting these positions. Great!
Class begins with Teach leading us in a circular rotation of our upper bodies that resembles something I saw on a documentary about African tribes doing a religious dance and me noting that the fans in the room will in fact NOT be turned on today, much to my chagrin. After our primitive gyrations we move on to Downward Dog. This one I know! Teach begins to move about correcting positions one-on-one, and Pretzel behind me is furiously taking notes. I bypass the instructions to "Let my mind clear," and begin prayer that no embarrassing bodily functions will choose that particular moment to occur,. God favors me, and I am even more thankful for my pre-class bathroom trip. We then move on to a series of movements that are designed to help air out our chakras or cleanse the energy or something. All I know is that we were supposed to be able to "swing" our legs up over our heads, lifting our hips off the ground, then lower them and sit up and bend over and grab our toes. Yeah, right. Maybe when I was 13. And I couldn't help notice I was one of two in the class unable to do this circus act. Luckily Teach didn't try to come correct me.
Back to Downward Dog. Now lets lift our leg, bring it up to our chest and sink into our lunge to release the hips. Okay, hold on, I'm still trying to pull my leg up there, all right, now I'm there. But now we've moved on to something else. Oh well. Back to Downward Dog. Warrior poses. I can do that. Finally, something that doesn't make me look retarded. Well, at least until she made us bend to the side and try to reach our other hand THROUGH our legs and grab our hand and....oh, forget it. Downward Dog. I think I can see a smile pulling on the lips of Pretzel as she scribbles. I mop the sweat from my forehead, chest, arms, and the mat where it has begun to puddle.
This continues for another 40 minutes, with me feeling more and more disconnected from my body as she tells us how we should be more in touch with our energy and the space of our bodies. Obviously I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe i just don't have chakras. Now before anyone writes and tells me about them, I know. We had to study them in Massage Therapy school. When we had to dangle crystals over them and try to manipulate the directional flow of Universal Energy in and out of them I stood up and expressed my unbelief and was thoroughly chastised for it. So I know, I just don't care or buy into it. So when it came time to sit with our legs out in front, leaning back on our hands, which were behind our hips, and lean our heads back in an attempt to have it touch the floor to stimulate both our Throat and Crown chakras, I simply stared at the motionless ceiling fans and listened longingly to the beat of the music from the RPM class next door. Downward Dog. And when we struck "Fire Logs" pose and did "Fire Breathing" to stimulate our Solar Plexus energy, I practiced labor breathing, to go along with my pregnant-looking fat belly.Last move of the day. Hip opener. I'm sensing a theme here. I begin to think I'm REALLY not getting it because I feel no stretch when everyone else does. That is, until the position changes to an attempt to twist so far around that we can actually grab our toes. I think I pulled a muscle. Finally we're allowed to lay motionless like a dead fish and "watch all of our negative thoughts pass by. Acknowledge them, and bid them farewell." I'll get right on that. We are finally dismissed with a prayer in some language i don't understand and a final bow towards the front of the room. I made it through!
So there's my experience with Yoga. At least I can say I tried. And since the teacher never came to correct me, I can either conclude that I was okay or that it was obviously a lost cause in her mind. i choose to believe that I was good. But take me back to RPM where I can scream and sing and sweat with everyone else. Or even Pilates where I have a good spot in the back and no one can keep up with the teacher anyway so we all moan and complain. And there aren't any prayers in Hindu or talk of chakras and Universal energy sources and claiming our own space in the universe while in the shape of a Soft Pigeon. Yep, don't really see myself revisiting my chakras there anytime soon. So long, fruitcakes. DOWNWARD DOG!!!
:)
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