We all know Wal-Mart is the place to go in the South to get an interesting look at the population. And let me tell you, my last visit did NOT disappoint! My mom and I went on (gasp) a Saturday, which I have decided is when the best freaks come out to play.
Our trip began, as always, by trying to find a parking place. This is only possible on Saturdays by parking out in never-never land with the trucks and cars that decide to take up like three spaces because heaven forbid they park like a regular person and someone exhale on their car and damage the paint job that wasn't that great to begin with. Or, if you are lucky enough to find one within walking distance of the door you had better be the size of a beanpole because the two cars parked on either side of you were soccer moms trying to drive the biggest SUV they can afford but never learned to drive, and therefore didn't even think about trying to get inside the lines. So we park and make our way to the door, only to pass by the ultimate USC car on our way. Garnet in color, with every Gamecock sticker ever made decorating the little Scion body. That would have been enough to warrant a second glance in itself, but we ARE in SC, so we can't stop there. Cocky dangling from the rearview. Oh, yeah. Parked so all can see in the Handicapped space (OVER the line, of course) RIGHT in front. And the icing on the cake? The redneck flag plus bald eagle paint job on the entire back window. Classy, I tell you. Classy.
We make it inside, past whatever organization is begging for money that day and past the greeter who is too busy fiddling with her walkie-talkie to actually greet, or have some buggies pulled out of the back of the buggy area. That's okay. I can get one. Of course, lucky me, I get the one with the front wheel that spins incessantly and the back wheel with gum stuck to it so that not only does the buggy pull to the right, there is a constant bump-squeak noise when it moves. Let the shopping begin!
I'll spare you the details of wardrobe. You can go to People of Wal-Mart for that. I will tell you about the couple I saw (and heard), though. Older gentleman riding a scooter, holding his cane, looking absolutely miserable. Then I heard/saw the wife and understood. Woman was one her cell phone YELLING at some poor customer service person on the other end. It was very hard to understand her, though. Apparently teeth aid in speech. Just sayin'. Apparently the phone was not doing something she though it ought to do and someone at the dang store told her to call this dang (I'm sure you can infer the expletives here) number and someone could tell her what the hookie she had to do to make the dang phone do what she wanted it to. Lovely. Thankfully I did not have the boys with me. So as this dang woman was ranting and raving in her mumbled state she would randomly grab items off the shelf and throw them back behind her, into the basket of her husband's ride. She would then grab the basket and drag, yes drag, her husband, scooter and all, on down the aisle. Now I know the things are electric, so why she felt the need to manually pull him along is beyond me. I smiled at the man as they passed me, unable to ignore the pleading look in his eyes. Poor guy. But hey, he married the dang woman, right?
Time to check out. My mom and I meet up in front of the three, no wait, it's Saturday, four, registers open. She takes one, I take one. And what do you know? I get in the line that stops because the card machine doesn't work! The flashy light goes on and the page is made for the manager/supervisor. It is then I realize I have forgotten one item, and of course it is at the very back of the store. Seeing that the woman in front of me (who is now being accused of messing up the machine) has two strapping young boys with her, I politely ask if one of them can go grab the item for me. She is very nice and sends one running off eagerly. And we wait. And wait. Finally a woman with magic keys leaves her conversation with another employee doing nothing and begins her very slow journey over to our register. The other employee, seeing the massive line, hurries over and, not turning on her light, offers to help "the next in line." The gentleman behind me puffs his last sigh of irritation and hurries over. Meanwhile the supervisor is still working her way over to us. Finally, after having the situation explained not once but twice to her, she looks at the nice customer and says, "you know, if you put gift cards over the deactivator area here they won't work," Well, seeing as how that is on the other side of the counter and the employee did that, I don't think that's the problem. But she will hear none of that. "Whatever." A turn of the key, the push of about a million buttons (because you know she entered the number WRONG the first two times) and the woman is done. She sends her other son to go find my missing whipping cream and his brother. And, finally, she goes after all three. I apologize to the man behind me, who thankfully has a sense of humor about the whole thing.
As I am finally checking out I spot my mom, waiting patiently, with a confused expression on her face. She tells me as we are leaving of the young man she was observing during my ordeal at the checkout. Young guy, obviously high as a kite. Nothing unusual here, we are in Wal-Mart. He is wearing a multi-colored hat with dreadlocks hanging down his back. Yep, seen plenty of those. But here's the kicker. On the front of his hat the had the head on one of those sock-monkey stuffed animals. Wow. Where's the camera when you need it. I did see him leaving, complete with a bag full of chips, popcorn, and sodas. Munchies.
Wal-Mart is exhausting. And it seems to be the type of place where everyone is welcome and everyone comes. I have gotten into couponing more and therefore shop more at grocery stores. I had forgotten just how interesting a place it is. Where else on earth can you see mullets, cut-offs and high heels, pants on the ground, hookers, and drag queens all in the same place? So my question to you is....which came first, the freak, or Wally World?
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